Mental Health Day

Do you ever have days where you don't want to get out of bed?  How about days where, after getting out of bed, you mentally check through the entire day to see when you can crawl back in it again?  What about having a to do list that is very short, and do-able look like mount Everest, so you just curl up on the couch and watch Toy Story with your toddler? 
I spend an inordinate amount of time and energy, both physical and mental, trying to combat those feelings every single day.  Here's the thing about that.  I've always been like this.  In school, when I worked, and as a stay at home mom.  From the time I get up in the morning, all I can do is think about the next time I can lay back down.  I thought it was normal, that everyone did this.  Until probably a year ago, I honestly thought it was normal.  You just trudge through your day until you can go to bed again.  That's the point, right?  It was always the people who didn't take naps, the people who actually worked when their babies slept and things like that who were abnormal.  Not people like me, who took every opportunity to lay down that was ever given.
Let me qualify something here.  Just because I long to sleep doesn't mean I am unhappy in my work.  I love my job.  I love what I do.  I love my children, and my family.  My only lament is not having enough time to do things that I'd like to do every day.  That lament turns into frustration, more often than not, because at the end of the day I still didn't get things accomplished like I thought I might at the beginning of the day. 
So about a year ago, I went to this therapist and she asked me when the last time was that I woke up in the morning and was excited about the day and ready to go.  I had to think about it.  It's literally been years.  She was the one who told me that that's not normal.  I was blindsided by this news.  Since then, I've been trying all kinds of techniques and whatnot to try and get myself motivated to get 'up and at 'em' so to speak.  My psychiatrist has been trying to help via various drugs.  *sigh*  I haven't even tried the latest drug yet. 
It feels like I've got two different people in my person.  I've got the slug, who wants to do nothing but stay in bed and sleep all the time.  And I've got the inspired and motivated go-get-er who has great ideas and wants to do things and be productive from the first minute my feet hit the floor.  My productive side is constantly engaged in battle with my slug side, and there goes all my energy.   Because of this constant battle, and the resulting unproductiveness, I am almost always frustrated with myself, and dismayed in general.  UGH!  The slug part of my brain needs to be scooped out with a spoon.  I totally get why psychiatric medicine used to take pieces of loony brains out.  It makes sense to just get rid of the offending piece of cerebral tissue, rather than try to live with it.  (I'm not saying I'm signing myself up for a frontal lobotomy, if one were offered, I'm just saying I can see why they used to do that.)
My psychiatrist has decided, based on what I've stated up there, that I have adult ADD.  Her theory is that I'm not really tired, and that the slug really isn't a slug, just deep boredom.  In other words, I'm way too smart to be a stay at home mom.  Filling my days with house cleaning, laundry, meal prep, toddler training, and various household running, and child rearing activities makes part of my brain say, "Um no thanks, wake me up when this is over and we get to do something exciting."  Meanwhile, the rest of my brain is screaming, "COME ON!!!  LETS GET THIS DONE!!!"  And all those partially finished projects and things I've got going on around here are from when my inspired and productive part actually beats the slug down, and I start to get something done.  Start to get something done.  The slug regenerates way too quickly if you ask me. 
Adderal is the latest drug in my slug slaying arsenal.  I haven't started it yet.  I have to turn in the script this afternoon, so I'll start it tomorrow.  I sure do hope this does what it's supposed to do, and gives me the upper hand on that slug. 
As for today, it's a wash.  It's after noon and I'm sitting here in my pajamas.  I've gotten two sets of sheets from the dryer and folded and put them away. I've gotten Nathan up, and fed him breakfast and lunch.  I got Annalise up and helped her get ready for school.  That's all.  The floors remain unvacuumed.  My desk remains a pit of despair.  The kitchen remains uncleaned.  I remain unshowered.  The good news is, it's nearly nap time.  Each time I lay down, my hope is that when I get back up I will be motivated and ready to go!  That's my hope right now more than ever.